Anthem: "Gotta get through this"

13042010

Oxford’s English Dictionary defines betrayal:

2. A violation of trust or confidence, an abandonment of something committed to one's charge.

This year has been filled with plenty of moments where I have questioned my judgment in reading people. The world is not what it seems and it is sad that is the case. Once, when we were children, newborns, we had no choice but to take the world for what it was, how it appeared. I stay with this notion. It’s my naiveté that has caused me to suffer. I might sound dramatic, I might be overreacting. But I’ve been hurt and I could say that with the simplest words. But I am not allowed to lash out so I might as well overplay this to give myself some way to cope.

I have been betrayed by friends.

The last people I would expect.

This world is based on relativity: of feelings, of alliances, of perspectives. So in one’s eyes what might be right is extreme in the other’s.

It’s how the world functions; it’s how the people of this world function.

I may overdramatize what happened, and she may over-overdramatize what happened and people will believe her more and side with her because she’s the victim, because she’s managed to manipulate them to think that way.

It hurts to know that people you expect to back you up, to your face and behind your back, don’t follow through because they’re only thinking about themselves. This is what the world comes down to: how selfish you are.

The people I’ve met in college only show me, over and over again, that relationships are superficial. You’re the drinking buddy, the dance buddy, the hookup guy, the girl who befriended me. You’re never more than that. You’re never yourself because all these people have realized the importance of hiding their true selves. They are that intelligent or that afraid. They know how much pain it can cause them to open up.
Then what is wrong with me? Why can’t I , after seeing this and experiencing this, understand? Why don’t I change? Maybe I have and just can’t tell. Or maybe I never will because that is who I am.

I feel disappointed, at the verge of tears, confused, sad, angry, pathetic for trusting in people so much. I feel betrayed.

I feel betrayed by the people I trusted.

Those friends may not be taking sides, but nor are they supporting me.
This will eat me up. I know it will because I’m not strong enough to brush it off despite the countless people who have advised me to do so. I can’t be friends with these people. I need to cut them out of my life because they haven’t shown me they really care. They have shown that they’re doing what society requires them to do, they have been selfish and they have only thought of how the situation will affect them. And they have evaluated it to see how they can avoid pain/uneasiness rather than listen to me.

Everyone wants to move on from this and so they urge me to do the same. They could really mean it and say it so that I don’t obsess over this. But it seems every day I learn something new that genuinely surprises me, making me feel foolish. It's easy for them to move on. It's easy for her to move on. If it weren't for me these friends of hers wouldn't be hers. I made that happen. And I know she will and others would protest against this. They've made their decision and now I need to make mine.

Let them take her side. Let them call her the big one.

Nice guys always finish last.

It’s just another thing I need to accept.

Because lightning always strikes before thunder

At this particular moment I feel incredibly alone.

I am angry and I want to vent but there is no one who wants to listen to me. No one at all. I thought I had friends. But every step of the way this year, I have only found out that people are selfish and they only look out for themselves and the moment they are asked to lend an ear they'll either do it unwillingly and give a fake sympathetic pity-filled consolation or they'll outright ignore you. Only to come back later and say that they weren't ignoring you.

It is just not fair. I don't understand why I need to be this particular kind of person. Okay, so I don't understand why and I'll accept that I need to be this kind of person. But it hurts and I want to take a break every now and then.

Also, I think it's pathetic that people get away with terrible things under the ruse of illness and personality. I don't get away with anything. The moment I do something and someone notices it, I have to hear an earful.

For example, year 6 when Varsha's mom (not even the first time) isolated me during lunch to tell me how I treated her daughter was wrong and bad. But she was of course blind to what her daughter did and so I had to be the big person and suck it up.

And once again it's not fair that someone can get away with being immature and being the one who clearly made the situation what it is now while I'm left behind, stuck with the title of being the one at blame.

I need to uproot myself from this context and completely change the scene.
I need to start singing again. I want to dance again. But dance to my own music.

I need to leave this place. It's only been rotten.

VENTVENTVENTVENTVENTVENTVENTVENTVENTVENTVENTVENTVENTVENTVENTVENTVENTVENTVENTVENTVENTVENT

I know that you'll ask me to hold on
and carry on like nothing's wrong
but there is no more time for lies
because I see sunset in your eyes.

~mISsmUSe~

Let's Get Down

The year's almost coming to a close.

Haha.
Snaps for cliches!

I'm not really sure if I enjoyed this entire year. There were definitely moments I wish I could've avoided. Oh well, I grew?

I need to get back to writing stories. I miss it a lot. I just need to grab a vocab text book, work at 2 in the morning and come up with something graceful and eloquent and feel accomplished once I've written some fake story about some obscure man or woman without a name.

Tambien, tengo que practicar mi espanol y creo que por escribir historias, puedo mejorar la gramatica y el pensamiento en general.

Sigh.

Cada dia tengo cositas que me molestan por siempre. El pecho y el corazon sienten un sentido pesado, algo que no me permite a respirar liberalmente.

Me duele.

That was the attempt to be eloquent.

I have however, realised my appreciation for Davis library..reminds me of Matilda. I love books, I think I could spend all day in there looking up random books to read. I do sadly spend most of my days in Davis nowadays...but not really reading books at least not in its entirety. I guess it's nothing new.

I haven't written a note either in a while. Or tweeted.

My voice has gotten lost amidst the constant emergence of new stimulus that automatically distracts my mind and silences me. I'm overwhelmed, but it's how I like to be.

The bed calls my name...I'll ignore it to do something unnecessary and unimportant.

~mISsMUse~

Learning

~ And we still believed in forever, because there was nothing else to hold on to.

Fail.
Completely didn't keep up with the new blog every night resolution.
The jogging one however went strong for three weeks? Then it snowed and it got cold and then I lost myself.

It was easy to feel powerful when I had everything under control.

Right now, chaos consumes me. Chaos with structure.

I would expect myself to perform better under pressure but for some reason I can't remain focused anymore. I've sort of lost myself in that respect. I feel like I've dedicated the right amount of time to understanding and grasping knowledge, but in an instant, it's all left murky in the air, blinding me.

I have this vague sense of understanding that only makes me wrinkle my brow the more I try to make sense of it. Learning has become difficult. There are moments I stop myself to reevaluate the situation, only to feel pushed further back, confined by my feelings, by my thoughts and by my self doubt.

I'm learning, though, to control these thoughts. At least I think I'm learning.

Sigh.

If it weren't for my love for knowledge, I probably wouldn't care much for learning.

~mISsMusE~

न्यू इयर'स रेसोलुतिओं

Cliched moments fill the new year as people scramble around, writing down their new year's resolutions. I've attempted this before, but don't remember ever being successful. I guess, I still believe what my dad told me; that whatever you do on the first day of the New Year, is what you'll do all year long. Now, usually that means picking and choosing what you want to do on the New Day,but rarely does that ever go accordingly. Well at least not for me. Tears found their way after moments of short-lived bliss, and surprises took hold of me, not in the good way.
Usually, I would feel unmotivated because it wouldn't be worth the trouble, but with recent goings on and standing in the shower figuring out what it is I really want out of life, I kind of don't need to be motivated. I just need to do it. One of the goals I'd like to stick to is writing a blog daily. I need to get in the habit of having something constant in my life and something I actually look forward too. Plus having practice for writing won't hurt. The next thing attacks the health aspect of my life, given history I have a lot of things that I need to really look out for and I guess starting now and working up the sweat should sort of help combat some of these evils. So jogging every day at 6:00 am till 7:00. This one might be the tougher one, since I have classes and it's so cold outside, but again going for the whole constancy issue. Plus I hear you look good in dresses.
Tomorrow is the first day of the Second Semester at UNC Chapel Hill and a new start for a new year. There's a lot I learned from last year and I think it'll be a challenge to see if I can battle old demons or ignore them completely and make this year mine. That's the other major resolution: Be selfish. I've always given myself to others, I won't stop doing that, but I don't plan on doing it as often and I'll be very selective to who'll get that help. I just need to boost my confidence up and I think the only way will be by being selfish.
I'm heading off to bed now, or some little organisation for tomorrow. Best of luck to all you resolutioners - may God or the force be with you (:
~mISsMusE~

07-25-09

There’s nothing more I want so badly than a family. Just the word brings a huge smile on my face. Memories start racing, zooming by while my head tries to makes sense and pick one, just one to reminisce about. There’s something so satisfying and gratifying about a family. I wouldn’t necessarily say I have a family, more like I belong to a family. The feeling of belonging is something I’ve struggled to achieve and a year ago, the family reunion in India, fulfilled that little desire of mine. Never had I been so happy and so excited to be…well, me. I was accepted and adored and loved and respected and I belonged without having to try. It was the easiest thing ever. I was automatically surrounded by my grandparents, aunts and uncles, fun cousins – best friends pretty much. And so I guess, I now want to have my own family, so I can let someone else, I have my children in mind of course, have the same experience of that unboundless joy and satisfaction of who he or she is.
I keep thinking how amazing life will be once I can hold my child/children in my arms and just watch them, smiling insanely, just because I can. I feel that that’s the kind of love I’m capable of and that’s the kind of love I’d never run out of. In fact, with little kids today, I could spend all day with them just watching them see the world for the first time. See how they take it in with all that innocence and wander that captures their mind in an instant.
Sometimes though, it may seem that the wonders they experience at such a young age may be lost with time. And sometimes I feel myself wishing to go back to the simplicity that I once experienced, touching the world around me so I could determine for myself what I thought; not, however, accepting the thoughts of what others have determined for themselves. The beauty in being young allows you to take in the world for what it is not what it is supposed to be. And, sadly as we grow and mature, our perception and particularly this process of perceiving gets mixed in with our ideals propelling us to come up with our perfect perceptions but impeding us from realising that what we are exposed to at face value is already perfect.

06.26.09

What an eventful summer already two incredible deaths – farah fawcett’s and Michael Jackson’s. Still trying to find myself through writing these silly little thoughts on microsoft word while watching friends. Of all things. And lovely also to watch a rachel and ross episode. And ross is with julie but he kissed rachel. Talk about conflicting emotions and wanting to be with the one you love. Accompanied with phoebe’s song. I love spanish. Not much I would be able to do without it. Gives me something to call as my thing. That’s what priyanka’s thing is.

If I did end up going to london I don’t really know what I would go do there and how that would affect anything especially after everything and the way it ended up. She is really pretty and they look great together and he’s happy. I’ve never really seen him smile – oh how much I would love to ok I need to watch the holiday to get some sense back in my head – there must be a reason I’m not giving up on this. Is it foolishness or is there really a chance for it. He said not to keep any hopes up and maybe I shouldn’t who knows maybe he should just be a hookup but that will NEVER be the case. Ok the holiday kate winslet video is very very tempting…and of course at that time the internet will get slow. Or disappear.

This should be easy. I think I’ve been through a lot of this and it should be easy. Pahaha ross and rachel are adorrable. And they’re hugging and that’s what I want to have. But of course it’s the one where rachel sees the list of bad things about her. And of course its gonna screw things up and I want to laugh but it breaks my heart. So watching the holiday is better

And his heart broke. Right after hers.

That’s what is supposed to happen but with right pricks of course it never meant anything.

Because how do you explain how good it feels to finally be wanted back? How a silly display of jealous can make you feel like the most important person on earth? How having the person who ignored you for five long years - the one person you wanted, the one whose attention you craved, your one true obsession who thought you weren't worth the breath it took to say piss off - how do you explain how it feels when that person finally sweeps you off your feet and utters the word mine?

You don't. You just let him shag you. – Jennavere

There that’s all I needed kate winslet telling jasper off and finally realising she’s happy without a twisted toxic thing between them. And I couldn’t agree more.

Sigh drowning in other’s love stories makes me feel incredibly awesome. I get to have feelings or experience all sorts of feelings each character feels rather than feel what I usually feel. That’s a lot of feeling.

Sigh I wonder what it would be like to fall in love with a physicist and have him kiss you.

So life is supposed to supposedly start once I’m in college. I’m kind of waiting eagerly for that just because I want to see if I’m good. At life, I mean.

I need to work on how I sing. Just so I can find what my voice is capable of doing. Definitely learning how to play the keyboard.AHA there ya go, I can use my keyboard and teach my self songs and practice singing. BRILLIANT

Sigh

I need to get out of whatever funk I’m going through right now.

I should write something. I love the effect words have in allowing myself to drown in lives that could never be mine but I so really wish were. It’s a great escape.

Oh you see the clouds drifting by

And all I can do is look in your eyes

Because they’re smiling and shining

And there’s nothing more I’d rather say

Than drown myself in those deep misty greys

I know sometimes it’s all too much

And there are times when it’s never enough

But all I’ve got to say is you make me smile

Without even trying and I know you’re mine

Because everytime you smile your eyes shine

Oooo everytime you walk by all I can think

Of is making you smile

Oooooo if only time could last forever so I could

Spend eternity in your eyes.

Your eyes oh oh your eyes oh oh your eyes…..

I would like to have a guy one day

Who’d treat me to chocolate after dinner

And who’ll look into my eyes and tell me I’m

Beautiful and sing me songs to make me feel

Like I am special. And hold my hand just to make me feel better

And wrap his arms around my waist just to pull me tighter

And closer to him.

Oh I’d feel safe and amazing because he’d look into

My eyes and then he’d say those three words that

We are all desperate to hear.

I . love. You.

So I smile and I look down beccause I feel

A tear coming down my cheek but I shake my head

And look up and there you are smiling

With all this love in your eyes

And all I can do is melt away.

I . love. You.

It’s that simple and we smile and we’re happy

And now all that’s left

Is for you

And me

And a couple of kissses

And one big hug

And tonnes of I love yous

I . love. You.

I . love. You.

~mIsS<3mUSe~