websites::: *thanks to sarah ofcoursse*
http://kevan.org/johari?name=miss+muse
fictionalley.org i need my fiction of the fan
http://fresh42jazz.blogspot.com/ just another way to cheer me up
http://exwife.livejournal.com/ idk...it's always a great read anytime...beautifully written is what comes to mind...
Monday, June 16, 2008
So now I write
I'm reading a book.
I want to read a lot of books.
This is what spending an hour in B&N does, you just get so immersed in the coffee smell and the wonderful soft covers of books and mesmerised by so many different book titles that you just have to find a pen and write every single thing down till the paper is full.
Lately, I have felt completely inadequate. As in, I have this fear that I won't be able to get into the university I need to get into. Parents are pressuring but not in the way that it makes me feel absolutely horrible.
My mom has constantly told me that I have changed in habits. That now I don't study. Or even though I have the book in front of me, I don't focus.
I don't focus.
I have heard this so many times, from so many people in so many different ways. Mostly encouraging, but other times, strictly, as though it's the last time that I should listen to it. I don't understand why I'm not focusing. I mean, sometimes, I can't even tell that I am not focusing. I remember in most of the AP classes, I would have gotten all As if I had worked hard enough instead of procrastinated. I did work hard. I did procrastinate. So, I got a B.
I just feel as though during school I wasn't motivated enough to do well. Or I would do well in some areas and then something would come up and I would fail, horribly.
The book I'm reading basically suggests to write everything you want to do. So, I made a list of things I want to do before I die. A list of goals. Then, with little exercises everynow and then to come to realise what is a priority on that list and focus on it.
This is what I have so far:
a. attend chapel hill
b. become a successful doctor
c. have a stable, happy, life with a family.
d. meet the cast of the Harry Potter movies
e. read the Bhagvad Gita and other hindu literature in their entirety
f. be happy and content with what I have accomplished and always strive for a better way to improve myself
g. have the world know my name.
h. learn mandarin
i. look good
j. go and live in the Burj Al Arab
It started with a much longer list, and I know I have other tiny lists of things I have to read, listen, watch before I die. I know this doesn't guarantee that I will have experience life to the fullest,but I think it's something that will keep me occupied through out summer and constantly boost my morale.
mental note: Dr. Bala Ambati
Okay so this is my plan:
a. write a letter to god for anything and see how things work out and how much the universe will do for me
b. write a letter to my soulmate. I think, that this has been one of the things I've constantly struggled with and maybe subconsciously it might be preventing me or stalling me when I do things. It could also be why I;m so distracted. I know that many would frown on what I'm about to say, but I think saying it shows a lot about my personality: I wish I had a boyfriend so I could feel complete. I don't know why I feel I need someone, but whenever the topic of my love life comes up, it's like the email you don't open because you want to save it for the last because you know you're best friend or a good friend has written it and you know it will be long and with a lot of crazy stories, so you save it for last. I have tried clicking on the email,but I always get the "error 404" message and so I always have to go back to the previous page and try again, till this year, I decided to just ignore it, or open the other emails up. The analogy might not make sense, but you get the picture. I have not had any relationship with any guy ever. Not in the sense of dating/boyfriend-girlfriend. I'm sure not everyone has. I am 17. And I have been looking for someone since I was 12. I think even earlier. Although I'm pretty sure not when I was 9, because I swore an oath to never get married, but I guess that's not the same as being in a relationship. Many times I have wondered why I haven't been able to experience this. So I overanalyse where I might not be doing things right. And I guess, right now, that I still have to wait. That, there are a lot of factors that are limiting me or that I am allowing to limit me and that's why I haven't had any exposure. Besides most romances that happen in bollywood movies happen during college. I guess I could wait for one more year. But, I'm afraid the first relationship I have, I won't know what to do. I know many people say that whatever happens in high school isn't that serious. Not only based on what I have heard and what people have told me, but also based on what I have seen: couples whom you would think to be high school sweethearts, separate halfway through high school, I understand it happens. But I feel that all the people who have had some sort of exposure are going to have an advantage over me. Even some of my best friends who live abroad, not in liberal America, have had experience and I feel that I won't ever get to match up with them. I know it's not a contest and I don't see it as one. I just sometimes wish that I could have that one or two or three opportunities to have someone to hold me in his arms and whisper quiet nothings and look at me and smile. So, since I know it's not going to happen when I'm in high school with someone who meets my standards, which aren't really that high -atleast i dont think they are- I'm going to write letters to this person, whom I will meet and whom I will find makes me so happy and who will become something special. I don't think I should be so permanent or definite by saying that this person will be my husband, I do have to let fate take its course, but I'm pretty sure it'll happen for me some day.
c. I will write lists of intentions of what I want to do for the day. Just to keep me focused on achieving the little things, so the big picture can slowly fall into place.
d. Take three envelopes and number them. Come up with three questions about your life that you want answered. Fold them in half and randomly put one in each envelope. Wait a few days even weeks and meditate. Then write a story about whatever. Date it and also date the questions. Then after the story is written, pick an envelope and think.
e. wake up every day and the first thing you do, write. Write anything from "this is so crappy, might as well go back to bed" or "my eyes are itchy" or " I want breakfast."
I'm trying these things out and today was my first day. It started off well and then unexpected things happened, a dream came true. I still got off course, and I still am off course, but I hope to steer back and get on track in 6 minutes.
Let's see now, how I will make things happen.
~ 1:55 pm 08-16-08 monday ~
p.s: I send my condolences to the Russert Family and really wish them the best. Tim Russert will be sorely missed and I hope he forever rests in peace.
I want to read a lot of books.
This is what spending an hour in B&N does, you just get so immersed in the coffee smell and the wonderful soft covers of books and mesmerised by so many different book titles that you just have to find a pen and write every single thing down till the paper is full.
Lately, I have felt completely inadequate. As in, I have this fear that I won't be able to get into the university I need to get into. Parents are pressuring but not in the way that it makes me feel absolutely horrible.
My mom has constantly told me that I have changed in habits. That now I don't study. Or even though I have the book in front of me, I don't focus.
I don't focus.
I have heard this so many times, from so many people in so many different ways. Mostly encouraging, but other times, strictly, as though it's the last time that I should listen to it. I don't understand why I'm not focusing. I mean, sometimes, I can't even tell that I am not focusing. I remember in most of the AP classes, I would have gotten all As if I had worked hard enough instead of procrastinated. I did work hard. I did procrastinate. So, I got a B.
I just feel as though during school I wasn't motivated enough to do well. Or I would do well in some areas and then something would come up and I would fail, horribly.
The book I'm reading basically suggests to write everything you want to do. So, I made a list of things I want to do before I die. A list of goals. Then, with little exercises everynow and then to come to realise what is a priority on that list and focus on it.
This is what I have so far:
a. attend chapel hill
b. become a successful doctor
c. have a stable, happy, life with a family.
d. meet the cast of the Harry Potter movies
e. read the Bhagvad Gita and other hindu literature in their entirety
f. be happy and content with what I have accomplished and always strive for a better way to improve myself
g. have the world know my name.
h. learn mandarin
i. look good
j. go and live in the Burj Al Arab
It started with a much longer list, and I know I have other tiny lists of things I have to read, listen, watch before I die. I know this doesn't guarantee that I will have experience life to the fullest,but I think it's something that will keep me occupied through out summer and constantly boost my morale.
mental note: Dr. Bala Ambati
Okay so this is my plan:
a. write a letter to god for anything and see how things work out and how much the universe will do for me
b. write a letter to my soulmate. I think, that this has been one of the things I've constantly struggled with and maybe subconsciously it might be preventing me or stalling me when I do things. It could also be why I;m so distracted. I know that many would frown on what I'm about to say, but I think saying it shows a lot about my personality: I wish I had a boyfriend so I could feel complete. I don't know why I feel I need someone, but whenever the topic of my love life comes up, it's like the email you don't open because you want to save it for the last because you know you're best friend or a good friend has written it and you know it will be long and with a lot of crazy stories, so you save it for last. I have tried clicking on the email,but I always get the "error 404" message and so I always have to go back to the previous page and try again, till this year, I decided to just ignore it, or open the other emails up. The analogy might not make sense, but you get the picture. I have not had any relationship with any guy ever. Not in the sense of dating/boyfriend-girlfriend. I'm sure not everyone has. I am 17. And I have been looking for someone since I was 12. I think even earlier. Although I'm pretty sure not when I was 9, because I swore an oath to never get married, but I guess that's not the same as being in a relationship. Many times I have wondered why I haven't been able to experience this. So I overanalyse where I might not be doing things right. And I guess, right now, that I still have to wait. That, there are a lot of factors that are limiting me or that I am allowing to limit me and that's why I haven't had any exposure. Besides most romances that happen in bollywood movies happen during college. I guess I could wait for one more year. But, I'm afraid the first relationship I have, I won't know what to do. I know many people say that whatever happens in high school isn't that serious. Not only based on what I have heard and what people have told me, but also based on what I have seen: couples whom you would think to be high school sweethearts, separate halfway through high school, I understand it happens. But I feel that all the people who have had some sort of exposure are going to have an advantage over me. Even some of my best friends who live abroad, not in liberal America, have had experience and I feel that I won't ever get to match up with them. I know it's not a contest and I don't see it as one. I just sometimes wish that I could have that one or two or three opportunities to have someone to hold me in his arms and whisper quiet nothings and look at me and smile. So, since I know it's not going to happen when I'm in high school with someone who meets my standards, which aren't really that high -atleast i dont think they are- I'm going to write letters to this person, whom I will meet and whom I will find makes me so happy and who will become something special. I don't think I should be so permanent or definite by saying that this person will be my husband, I do have to let fate take its course, but I'm pretty sure it'll happen for me some day.
c. I will write lists of intentions of what I want to do for the day. Just to keep me focused on achieving the little things, so the big picture can slowly fall into place.
d. Take three envelopes and number them. Come up with three questions about your life that you want answered. Fold them in half and randomly put one in each envelope. Wait a few days even weeks and meditate. Then write a story about whatever. Date it and also date the questions. Then after the story is written, pick an envelope and think.
e. wake up every day and the first thing you do, write. Write anything from "this is so crappy, might as well go back to bed" or "my eyes are itchy" or " I want breakfast."
I'm trying these things out and today was my first day. It started off well and then unexpected things happened, a dream came true. I still got off course, and I still am off course, but I hope to steer back and get on track in 6 minutes.
Let's see now, how I will make things happen.
~ 1:55 pm 08-16-08 monday ~
p.s: I send my condolences to the Russert Family and really wish them the best. Tim Russert will be sorely missed and I hope he forever rests in peace.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
~ what happens on socialmoth ~
smile
radiantly
warmth
spreads
seeps
into
my
skin
slowly
allowing
me
to
hold
you
feel
your
presence
in
me
for
as
long
as
possible
till
i
am
immersed
in
you.
till
i
am
immersed
in
love.
till
i
am
immersed
forever.
till
i
am
immersed
in.
till
i
am
immersed.
till
i
am.
till
i.
till .
.
radiantly
warmth
spreads
seeps
into
my
skin
slowly
allowing
me
to
hold
you
feel
your
presence
in
me
for
as
long
as
possible
till
i
am
immersed
in
you.
till
i
am
immersed
in
love.
till
i
am
immersed
forever.
till
i
am
immersed
in.
till
i
am
immersed.
till
i
am.
till
i.
till .
.
Friday, February 22, 2008
"If I Could Be Like That..."
Thanks very much for asking me to post lots cuz I will. And I'm actually going to try to keep this blog thing as current as possible. Well, when I feel like procrastinating I'll do this. I'm very excited because I just found out I'm a junior marshall. And I'm not even going to try to explain it because I don't feel like it and ya.
I don't really see why people, or rather the person, thinks I write well. I'm the last person who would be an eloquent writer especially with my hypocritical situation of writing however I feel and without any grammatical rules in place. And seeing as how I'm studying this topic, I would be able to use the skills I learned and write properly and amazingly and come off like some sort of genius.
As my sister talks to me, describing her wonderfully lucky day with all her accomplishments and wat not, I get mad because she won't let me focus and write.
Seeing as how this isn't going as well as I planned, Iguess I'll go back to watching QaF. Tis the weekend, you know!
~Miss Muse~
I don't really see why people, or rather the person, thinks I write well. I'm the last person who would be an eloquent writer especially with my hypocritical situation of writing however I feel and without any grammatical rules in place. And seeing as how I'm studying this topic, I would be able to use the skills I learned and write properly and amazingly and come off like some sort of genius.
As my sister talks to me, describing her wonderfully lucky day with all her accomplishments and wat not, I get mad because she won't let me focus and write.
Seeing as how this isn't going as well as I planned, Iguess I'll go back to watching QaF. Tis the weekend, you know!
~Miss Muse~
Thursday, February 21, 2008
"I say don't you know. You say you don't know. I say...Take me out"
And...
I should be studying for APES because God knows I need to do well or at least decently well actually no reallly well in order to get some sort of an A. I think I deserve it because I work really hard for this class when I shouldn't be. But so do others and they don't get the grade they deserve either.
So, I've been listening to Muse, Dido, Norah Jones, Maroon 5, Daniel Bedingfield on my three cds that move around with me almost everywhere now. It's one of those times in my life where I need to have them in order to keep sane and because it reminds me of how life is right now. Or when I look back and listen to this cd, I'll remember how life was then. How simple it was. The tracks on two of the cds are 16 and on the last one there are 13. The one with the 13 has Secret, Sunday Morning, Jamie Cullum and Dido. And that cd makes me feel like sipping coffee or something in my jammies and watching the view from the sitting room and just smile then take a sip and oh feel soo....lazy but at the same time so graceful and sexy and satisfied and accomplished and Jazzy and just feel good in general. Then when I put in the Muse cd it makes me feel alive, like I'm watching or rather listening to a Dr. Who episode (Muse is british and so is Dr. Who and the music starts of softly then goes to something so totally energizing it wakes me up and makes me wanna just jump and scream and go outside and run and meet people and be active)
But I'm not sure that school is still a priority in life. It's like it's there and I know what is expected of me and I still love it but I have seriously lost interest and Idon't feel motivated whatsoever to do anything. and unfortunately extrinsic things aren't helping me work harder; it's like caffeine, it just doesn't affect me.
So, rhizobial is the kind of bacteria that lives in a symbiotic relationship with the legumes. And they somehow do something with the NO2 or the NO3 and arghhh
"Everything about you resonates happiness
Now I won't settle for less...
Give me all the peace and joy of your mind
I want the peace and joy of your mind"
I should be studying for APES because God knows I need to do well or at least decently well actually no reallly well in order to get some sort of an A. I think I deserve it because I work really hard for this class when I shouldn't be. But so do others and they don't get the grade they deserve either.
So, I've been listening to Muse, Dido, Norah Jones, Maroon 5, Daniel Bedingfield on my three cds that move around with me almost everywhere now. It's one of those times in my life where I need to have them in order to keep sane and because it reminds me of how life is right now. Or when I look back and listen to this cd, I'll remember how life was then. How simple it was. The tracks on two of the cds are 16 and on the last one there are 13. The one with the 13 has Secret, Sunday Morning, Jamie Cullum and Dido. And that cd makes me feel like sipping coffee or something in my jammies and watching the view from the sitting room and just smile then take a sip and oh feel soo....lazy but at the same time so graceful and sexy and satisfied and accomplished and Jazzy and just feel good in general. Then when I put in the Muse cd it makes me feel alive, like I'm watching or rather listening to a Dr. Who episode (Muse is british and so is Dr. Who and the music starts of softly then goes to something so totally energizing it wakes me up and makes me wanna just jump and scream and go outside and run and meet people and be active)
But I'm not sure that school is still a priority in life. It's like it's there and I know what is expected of me and I still love it but I have seriously lost interest and Idon't feel motivated whatsoever to do anything. and unfortunately extrinsic things aren't helping me work harder; it's like caffeine, it just doesn't affect me.
So, rhizobial is the kind of bacteria that lives in a symbiotic relationship with the legumes. And they somehow do something with the NO2 or the NO3 and arghhh
"Everything about you resonates happiness
Now I won't settle for less...
Give me all the peace and joy of your mind
I want the peace and joy of your mind"
Friday, February 15, 2008
Verbatim musings of shower monologues....is such an incredible name but such a sucky blog
well...I love the title; but of course I couldn't say the same for the fact that not many people read this so it's sort of perplexing why I keep deciding to write. I actually want to be able to write daily and not care if people read. So far I'm fine with the fact with people not reading because I'm pretty sure there are quite interesting people out there who have more intriguing and outlandish things to say. I've personally never understood why we need to have blogs. I mean I love that I do or rather have the freedom to because this way we can keep anonymity but still with people who read blogs frequently, they can form some sort of relationship with the blogger as though they know them. I like being able to say whatever and just read others' comments, although I lack tonnes of comments. I'm not complaining just musing.
So, usually when I'm showering I always have a radio there playing one of the cds that I constantly play over and over again till feel the song has become part of my life and I can be that song whenever and wherever I want. So, usually once I'm done showering, I usually just stand there, feeling the pellets of the hot water bouncing off of my back, and I lean my shoulder against the wall and just stand there thinking about a myriad of things. Sometimes it's to outline how I should approach to do my homework, like deciding that when I get out, I'll eat, then I'll do some stat, then some spanish then rest a little, watch George Lopez, then do US history and finish everything off before I go to sleep. Then I remind my self that I only work in spurts with loud music blaring through the radio, on shuffle and repeat so I don't have to keep getting interrupted as the cd comes to an end. Then after thinking about how to approach my coming procrastination, I switch topics and go to analyse my love life, or rather lack of it. I review the silly things I can't believe I did that I have to cringe everytime I even try to think about then shake my head vigorously to drive that thought off, and wonder how I could have done things differently. It's like I know I'm a good catch, I have high standards that I'm sure all girls have, and I'm working on both things but I still don't understand why I don't get asked out. It's not important for me to have a relationship now because that's just not a priority; but, to me I feel that once I have had one, I'll stop craving for it for sometime. As in lemme have one to keep me pacified so when I don't have one I won't pine over like I do. That must come across, of the minute few who ever read this or will ever read this, as though, "well, it's like drugs, once you have it you keep wanting more!" But see I don't agree with that at all because, I remember I really wanted to wear clothes from Hollister Co. because I wanted just one item of clothing to make me feel better. Well, I knew my body time wasn't common for their outfits, so I would go in there, tryout things, feel ugly then depressed and then I would generally hate shopping for things because not only do I look indecent but also the cost would be ridiculously high and I didn't want to spend that much for something like clothes. So, when a sale came, and I was slightly more able to find clothes that played my body off well, I bought a pair of brown skinny cordoruy jeans. And ever since then, I haven't wanted a single piece of clothing from there. Ever. So that's how much control I know I have overmyself because I am practical and can accept what is possible and isn't and once I know my limit and I have
So, usually when I'm showering I always have a radio there playing one of the cds that I constantly play over and over again till feel the song has become part of my life and I can be that song whenever and wherever I want. So, usually once I'm done showering, I usually just stand there, feeling the pellets of the hot water bouncing off of my back, and I lean my shoulder against the wall and just stand there thinking about a myriad of things. Sometimes it's to outline how I should approach to do my homework, like deciding that when I get out, I'll eat, then I'll do some stat, then some spanish then rest a little, watch George Lopez, then do US history and finish everything off before I go to sleep. Then I remind my self that I only work in spurts with loud music blaring through the radio, on shuffle and repeat so I don't have to keep getting interrupted as the cd comes to an end. Then after thinking about how to approach my coming procrastination, I switch topics and go to analyse my love life, or rather lack of it. I review the silly things I can't believe I did that I have to cringe everytime I even try to think about then shake my head vigorously to drive that thought off, and wonder how I could have done things differently. It's like I know I'm a good catch, I have high standards that I'm sure all girls have, and I'm working on both things but I still don't understand why I don't get asked out. It's not important for me to have a relationship now because that's just not a priority; but, to me I feel that once I have had one, I'll stop craving for it for sometime. As in lemme have one to keep me pacified so when I don't have one I won't pine over like I do. That must come across, of the minute few who ever read this or will ever read this, as though, "well, it's like drugs, once you have it you keep wanting more!" But see I don't agree with that at all because, I remember I really wanted to wear clothes from Hollister Co. because I wanted just one item of clothing to make me feel better. Well, I knew my body time wasn't common for their outfits, so I would go in there, tryout things, feel ugly then depressed and then I would generally hate shopping for things because not only do I look indecent but also the cost would be ridiculously high and I didn't want to spend that much for something like clothes. So, when a sale came, and I was slightly more able to find clothes that played my body off well, I bought a pair of brown skinny cordoruy jeans. And ever since then, I haven't wanted a single piece of clothing from there. Ever. So that's how much control I know I have overmyself because I am practical and can accept what is possible and isn't and once I know my limit and I have
Thursday, January 24, 2008
why me?
so we just had exams an I didn't do as well as I know I should have. And now not only do I know I'm letting down my parents but also myself. Sometimes I just wonder why I even bother. I hate comparing myself to others but how can I help it when I'm surrounded by friends who are frikking geniuses who do incredibly well and get better grades than I do and are gonna have higher ranks than I will. I mean I used to be one of those people and now I'm seriously wondering where on earth I've screwed up . Actually it's very easy for me to pin point exactly what I did or rather didn't do and most of it is my fault. It's because I procrastinate, don't do my homework and now I'm seriously considering locking my self up in my room and studying for hours on end even when I don't have a test because this year has been a shock. I just can't believe that in all my AP classes well the ones I have grades for I've gotten Cs. I am not a C person. Hell I'm not a B person and somehow it seems that I have started to accept getting Bs. Again this goes back to my stupidity of being a procrastinator. And now I see how my mother is right. People lie. They say they don't study but go behind your back and do it. Well technically it's to their advantage I used to like being able not to put in effort before tests and come out successfully. On top of that I have tough classes and others who don't do as superbly as my other friends say well you're taking 5 APs and getting Cs is like getting an A and it's pretty good. and I can't believe that I actually started believing that. I want my hair to be curly for tomorrow but I don't think it will work. Sometimes I wish I wasn't who I am then I wouldn't care about grades and feel like a total failure and then go and be all depressed and endlessly compare myself to others and then not pay attention to my current work. And I was so productive today I felt so proud of myself but then I see my grades and I just feel like collapsing on my knees and screaming asking why me. Why is it me who has to settle for Bs while others do spectacularly? What happened to that old me who used to be a genius and be at the top of the class and be admired by everyone else? Why am I not considered the "smartest" in my network when friends compare me? Why is it that I'm still not working hard enough to get the grades I want? Since when have I just done mediocre work and been satisfied with that? I'm still a junior I should be doing this all senior year. Then when I try to look up to people whom I consider my heros she is distant and truly selfish. She doesn't care about anyone but herself. And I realise that I should be just like her. That my father is right. In this country you have to fend for yourself. Right now my priorities are getting into college with a decent scholarship and be successful.
but for now I'm a failure. Nothing more and always something less.
F A I L U R E
and then I cry alone wondering why...when I clearly know why but I don't understand how with this same reason others are still able to do better than me. I still don't understand where and how I was screwed up. I still don't understand why I can't be as smart as mandy or shayna or sarah or mitali or xioyang or chris dennis or lily or ............
they're born smart. I have to work hard constantly for me to get the grades I get and I'm always proud. Not saying they don't work hard. But they're just gifted so whatever effort they put in they still do extremely well. And because they are so smart they know how to put minimal but sufficient effort to maximize their performance and come out W I N N E R S. I know I might have life easier than some academically but imagine those people...they have life easier than I have and this is why I A M A F A I L U R E.
music: Polly, Nirvana
but for now I'm a failure. Nothing more and always something less.
F A I L U R E
and then I cry alone wondering why...when I clearly know why but I don't understand how with this same reason others are still able to do better than me. I still don't understand where and how I was screwed up. I still don't understand why I can't be as smart as mandy or shayna or sarah or mitali or xioyang or chris dennis or lily or ............
they're born smart. I have to work hard constantly for me to get the grades I get and I'm always proud. Not saying they don't work hard. But they're just gifted so whatever effort they put in they still do extremely well. And because they are so smart they know how to put minimal but sufficient effort to maximize their performance and come out W I N N E R S. I know I might have life easier than some academically but imagine those people...they have life easier than I have and this is why I A M A F A I L U R E.
music: Polly, Nirvana
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