websites::: *thanks to sarah ofcoursse*
http://kevan.org/johari?name=miss+muse
fictionalley.org i need my fiction of the fan
http://fresh42jazz.blogspot.com/ just another way to cheer me up
http://exwife.livejournal.com/ idk...it's always a great read anytime...beautifully written is what comes to mind...
Monday, June 16, 2008
So now I write
I'm reading a book.
I want to read a lot of books.
This is what spending an hour in B&N does, you just get so immersed in the coffee smell and the wonderful soft covers of books and mesmerised by so many different book titles that you just have to find a pen and write every single thing down till the paper is full.
Lately, I have felt completely inadequate. As in, I have this fear that I won't be able to get into the university I need to get into. Parents are pressuring but not in the way that it makes me feel absolutely horrible.
My mom has constantly told me that I have changed in habits. That now I don't study. Or even though I have the book in front of me, I don't focus.
I don't focus.
I have heard this so many times, from so many people in so many different ways. Mostly encouraging, but other times, strictly, as though it's the last time that I should listen to it. I don't understand why I'm not focusing. I mean, sometimes, I can't even tell that I am not focusing. I remember in most of the AP classes, I would have gotten all As if I had worked hard enough instead of procrastinated. I did work hard. I did procrastinate. So, I got a B.
I just feel as though during school I wasn't motivated enough to do well. Or I would do well in some areas and then something would come up and I would fail, horribly.
The book I'm reading basically suggests to write everything you want to do. So, I made a list of things I want to do before I die. A list of goals. Then, with little exercises everynow and then to come to realise what is a priority on that list and focus on it.
This is what I have so far:
a. attend chapel hill
b. become a successful doctor
c. have a stable, happy, life with a family.
d. meet the cast of the Harry Potter movies
e. read the Bhagvad Gita and other hindu literature in their entirety
f. be happy and content with what I have accomplished and always strive for a better way to improve myself
g. have the world know my name.
h. learn mandarin
i. look good
j. go and live in the Burj Al Arab
It started with a much longer list, and I know I have other tiny lists of things I have to read, listen, watch before I die. I know this doesn't guarantee that I will have experience life to the fullest,but I think it's something that will keep me occupied through out summer and constantly boost my morale.
mental note: Dr. Bala Ambati
Okay so this is my plan:
a. write a letter to god for anything and see how things work out and how much the universe will do for me
b. write a letter to my soulmate. I think, that this has been one of the things I've constantly struggled with and maybe subconsciously it might be preventing me or stalling me when I do things. It could also be why I;m so distracted. I know that many would frown on what I'm about to say, but I think saying it shows a lot about my personality: I wish I had a boyfriend so I could feel complete. I don't know why I feel I need someone, but whenever the topic of my love life comes up, it's like the email you don't open because you want to save it for the last because you know you're best friend or a good friend has written it and you know it will be long and with a lot of crazy stories, so you save it for last. I have tried clicking on the email,but I always get the "error 404" message and so I always have to go back to the previous page and try again, till this year, I decided to just ignore it, or open the other emails up. The analogy might not make sense, but you get the picture. I have not had any relationship with any guy ever. Not in the sense of dating/boyfriend-girlfriend. I'm sure not everyone has. I am 17. And I have been looking for someone since I was 12. I think even earlier. Although I'm pretty sure not when I was 9, because I swore an oath to never get married, but I guess that's not the same as being in a relationship. Many times I have wondered why I haven't been able to experience this. So I overanalyse where I might not be doing things right. And I guess, right now, that I still have to wait. That, there are a lot of factors that are limiting me or that I am allowing to limit me and that's why I haven't had any exposure. Besides most romances that happen in bollywood movies happen during college. I guess I could wait for one more year. But, I'm afraid the first relationship I have, I won't know what to do. I know many people say that whatever happens in high school isn't that serious. Not only based on what I have heard and what people have told me, but also based on what I have seen: couples whom you would think to be high school sweethearts, separate halfway through high school, I understand it happens. But I feel that all the people who have had some sort of exposure are going to have an advantage over me. Even some of my best friends who live abroad, not in liberal America, have had experience and I feel that I won't ever get to match up with them. I know it's not a contest and I don't see it as one. I just sometimes wish that I could have that one or two or three opportunities to have someone to hold me in his arms and whisper quiet nothings and look at me and smile. So, since I know it's not going to happen when I'm in high school with someone who meets my standards, which aren't really that high -atleast i dont think they are- I'm going to write letters to this person, whom I will meet and whom I will find makes me so happy and who will become something special. I don't think I should be so permanent or definite by saying that this person will be my husband, I do have to let fate take its course, but I'm pretty sure it'll happen for me some day.
c. I will write lists of intentions of what I want to do for the day. Just to keep me focused on achieving the little things, so the big picture can slowly fall into place.
d. Take three envelopes and number them. Come up with three questions about your life that you want answered. Fold them in half and randomly put one in each envelope. Wait a few days even weeks and meditate. Then write a story about whatever. Date it and also date the questions. Then after the story is written, pick an envelope and think.
e. wake up every day and the first thing you do, write. Write anything from "this is so crappy, might as well go back to bed" or "my eyes are itchy" or " I want breakfast."
I'm trying these things out and today was my first day. It started off well and then unexpected things happened, a dream came true. I still got off course, and I still am off course, but I hope to steer back and get on track in 6 minutes.
Let's see now, how I will make things happen.
~ 1:55 pm 08-16-08 monday ~
p.s: I send my condolences to the Russert Family and really wish them the best. Tim Russert will be sorely missed and I hope he forever rests in peace.
I want to read a lot of books.
This is what spending an hour in B&N does, you just get so immersed in the coffee smell and the wonderful soft covers of books and mesmerised by so many different book titles that you just have to find a pen and write every single thing down till the paper is full.
Lately, I have felt completely inadequate. As in, I have this fear that I won't be able to get into the university I need to get into. Parents are pressuring but not in the way that it makes me feel absolutely horrible.
My mom has constantly told me that I have changed in habits. That now I don't study. Or even though I have the book in front of me, I don't focus.
I don't focus.
I have heard this so many times, from so many people in so many different ways. Mostly encouraging, but other times, strictly, as though it's the last time that I should listen to it. I don't understand why I'm not focusing. I mean, sometimes, I can't even tell that I am not focusing. I remember in most of the AP classes, I would have gotten all As if I had worked hard enough instead of procrastinated. I did work hard. I did procrastinate. So, I got a B.
I just feel as though during school I wasn't motivated enough to do well. Or I would do well in some areas and then something would come up and I would fail, horribly.
The book I'm reading basically suggests to write everything you want to do. So, I made a list of things I want to do before I die. A list of goals. Then, with little exercises everynow and then to come to realise what is a priority on that list and focus on it.
This is what I have so far:
a. attend chapel hill
b. become a successful doctor
c. have a stable, happy, life with a family.
d. meet the cast of the Harry Potter movies
e. read the Bhagvad Gita and other hindu literature in their entirety
f. be happy and content with what I have accomplished and always strive for a better way to improve myself
g. have the world know my name.
h. learn mandarin
i. look good
j. go and live in the Burj Al Arab
It started with a much longer list, and I know I have other tiny lists of things I have to read, listen, watch before I die. I know this doesn't guarantee that I will have experience life to the fullest,but I think it's something that will keep me occupied through out summer and constantly boost my morale.
mental note: Dr. Bala Ambati
Okay so this is my plan:
a. write a letter to god for anything and see how things work out and how much the universe will do for me
b. write a letter to my soulmate. I think, that this has been one of the things I've constantly struggled with and maybe subconsciously it might be preventing me or stalling me when I do things. It could also be why I;m so distracted. I know that many would frown on what I'm about to say, but I think saying it shows a lot about my personality: I wish I had a boyfriend so I could feel complete. I don't know why I feel I need someone, but whenever the topic of my love life comes up, it's like the email you don't open because you want to save it for the last because you know you're best friend or a good friend has written it and you know it will be long and with a lot of crazy stories, so you save it for last. I have tried clicking on the email,but I always get the "error 404" message and so I always have to go back to the previous page and try again, till this year, I decided to just ignore it, or open the other emails up. The analogy might not make sense, but you get the picture. I have not had any relationship with any guy ever. Not in the sense of dating/boyfriend-girlfriend. I'm sure not everyone has. I am 17. And I have been looking for someone since I was 12. I think even earlier. Although I'm pretty sure not when I was 9, because I swore an oath to never get married, but I guess that's not the same as being in a relationship. Many times I have wondered why I haven't been able to experience this. So I overanalyse where I might not be doing things right. And I guess, right now, that I still have to wait. That, there are a lot of factors that are limiting me or that I am allowing to limit me and that's why I haven't had any exposure. Besides most romances that happen in bollywood movies happen during college. I guess I could wait for one more year. But, I'm afraid the first relationship I have, I won't know what to do. I know many people say that whatever happens in high school isn't that serious. Not only based on what I have heard and what people have told me, but also based on what I have seen: couples whom you would think to be high school sweethearts, separate halfway through high school, I understand it happens. But I feel that all the people who have had some sort of exposure are going to have an advantage over me. Even some of my best friends who live abroad, not in liberal America, have had experience and I feel that I won't ever get to match up with them. I know it's not a contest and I don't see it as one. I just sometimes wish that I could have that one or two or three opportunities to have someone to hold me in his arms and whisper quiet nothings and look at me and smile. So, since I know it's not going to happen when I'm in high school with someone who meets my standards, which aren't really that high -atleast i dont think they are- I'm going to write letters to this person, whom I will meet and whom I will find makes me so happy and who will become something special. I don't think I should be so permanent or definite by saying that this person will be my husband, I do have to let fate take its course, but I'm pretty sure it'll happen for me some day.
c. I will write lists of intentions of what I want to do for the day. Just to keep me focused on achieving the little things, so the big picture can slowly fall into place.
d. Take three envelopes and number them. Come up with three questions about your life that you want answered. Fold them in half and randomly put one in each envelope. Wait a few days even weeks and meditate. Then write a story about whatever. Date it and also date the questions. Then after the story is written, pick an envelope and think.
e. wake up every day and the first thing you do, write. Write anything from "this is so crappy, might as well go back to bed" or "my eyes are itchy" or " I want breakfast."
I'm trying these things out and today was my first day. It started off well and then unexpected things happened, a dream came true. I still got off course, and I still am off course, but I hope to steer back and get on track in 6 minutes.
Let's see now, how I will make things happen.
~ 1:55 pm 08-16-08 monday ~
p.s: I send my condolences to the Russert Family and really wish them the best. Tim Russert will be sorely missed and I hope he forever rests in peace.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)