07-25-09

There’s nothing more I want so badly than a family. Just the word brings a huge smile on my face. Memories start racing, zooming by while my head tries to makes sense and pick one, just one to reminisce about. There’s something so satisfying and gratifying about a family. I wouldn’t necessarily say I have a family, more like I belong to a family. The feeling of belonging is something I’ve struggled to achieve and a year ago, the family reunion in India, fulfilled that little desire of mine. Never had I been so happy and so excited to be…well, me. I was accepted and adored and loved and respected and I belonged without having to try. It was the easiest thing ever. I was automatically surrounded by my grandparents, aunts and uncles, fun cousins – best friends pretty much. And so I guess, I now want to have my own family, so I can let someone else, I have my children in mind of course, have the same experience of that unboundless joy and satisfaction of who he or she is.
I keep thinking how amazing life will be once I can hold my child/children in my arms and just watch them, smiling insanely, just because I can. I feel that that’s the kind of love I’m capable of and that’s the kind of love I’d never run out of. In fact, with little kids today, I could spend all day with them just watching them see the world for the first time. See how they take it in with all that innocence and wander that captures their mind in an instant.
Sometimes though, it may seem that the wonders they experience at such a young age may be lost with time. And sometimes I feel myself wishing to go back to the simplicity that I once experienced, touching the world around me so I could determine for myself what I thought; not, however, accepting the thoughts of what others have determined for themselves. The beauty in being young allows you to take in the world for what it is not what it is supposed to be. And, sadly as we grow and mature, our perception and particularly this process of perceiving gets mixed in with our ideals propelling us to come up with our perfect perceptions but impeding us from realising that what we are exposed to at face value is already perfect.

06.26.09

What an eventful summer already two incredible deaths – farah fawcett’s and Michael Jackson’s. Still trying to find myself through writing these silly little thoughts on microsoft word while watching friends. Of all things. And lovely also to watch a rachel and ross episode. And ross is with julie but he kissed rachel. Talk about conflicting emotions and wanting to be with the one you love. Accompanied with phoebe’s song. I love spanish. Not much I would be able to do without it. Gives me something to call as my thing. That’s what priyanka’s thing is.

If I did end up going to london I don’t really know what I would go do there and how that would affect anything especially after everything and the way it ended up. She is really pretty and they look great together and he’s happy. I’ve never really seen him smile – oh how much I would love to ok I need to watch the holiday to get some sense back in my head – there must be a reason I’m not giving up on this. Is it foolishness or is there really a chance for it. He said not to keep any hopes up and maybe I shouldn’t who knows maybe he should just be a hookup but that will NEVER be the case. Ok the holiday kate winslet video is very very tempting…and of course at that time the internet will get slow. Or disappear.

This should be easy. I think I’ve been through a lot of this and it should be easy. Pahaha ross and rachel are adorrable. And they’re hugging and that’s what I want to have. But of course it’s the one where rachel sees the list of bad things about her. And of course its gonna screw things up and I want to laugh but it breaks my heart. So watching the holiday is better

And his heart broke. Right after hers.

That’s what is supposed to happen but with right pricks of course it never meant anything.

Because how do you explain how good it feels to finally be wanted back? How a silly display of jealous can make you feel like the most important person on earth? How having the person who ignored you for five long years - the one person you wanted, the one whose attention you craved, your one true obsession who thought you weren't worth the breath it took to say piss off - how do you explain how it feels when that person finally sweeps you off your feet and utters the word mine?

You don't. You just let him shag you. – Jennavere

There that’s all I needed kate winslet telling jasper off and finally realising she’s happy without a twisted toxic thing between them. And I couldn’t agree more.

Sigh drowning in other’s love stories makes me feel incredibly awesome. I get to have feelings or experience all sorts of feelings each character feels rather than feel what I usually feel. That’s a lot of feeling.

Sigh I wonder what it would be like to fall in love with a physicist and have him kiss you.

So life is supposed to supposedly start once I’m in college. I’m kind of waiting eagerly for that just because I want to see if I’m good. At life, I mean.

I need to work on how I sing. Just so I can find what my voice is capable of doing. Definitely learning how to play the keyboard.AHA there ya go, I can use my keyboard and teach my self songs and practice singing. BRILLIANT

Sigh

I need to get out of whatever funk I’m going through right now.

I should write something. I love the effect words have in allowing myself to drown in lives that could never be mine but I so really wish were. It’s a great escape.

Oh you see the clouds drifting by

And all I can do is look in your eyes

Because they’re smiling and shining

And there’s nothing more I’d rather say

Than drown myself in those deep misty greys

I know sometimes it’s all too much

And there are times when it’s never enough

But all I’ve got to say is you make me smile

Without even trying and I know you’re mine

Because everytime you smile your eyes shine

Oooo everytime you walk by all I can think

Of is making you smile

Oooooo if only time could last forever so I could

Spend eternity in your eyes.

Your eyes oh oh your eyes oh oh your eyes…..

I would like to have a guy one day

Who’d treat me to chocolate after dinner

And who’ll look into my eyes and tell me I’m

Beautiful and sing me songs to make me feel

Like I am special. And hold my hand just to make me feel better

And wrap his arms around my waist just to pull me tighter

And closer to him.

Oh I’d feel safe and amazing because he’d look into

My eyes and then he’d say those three words that

We are all desperate to hear.

I . love. You.

So I smile and I look down beccause I feel

A tear coming down my cheek but I shake my head

And look up and there you are smiling

With all this love in your eyes

And all I can do is melt away.

I . love. You.

It’s that simple and we smile and we’re happy

And now all that’s left

Is for you

And me

And a couple of kissses

And one big hug

And tonnes of I love yous

I . love. You.

I . love. You.

~mIsS<3mUSe~

Long Time No Blog.

It's been quite a while since I've blogged.
Well, officially.
Otherwise my thoughts have been typed up, written down on odd scraps of paper, so maybe one day I might try to rewrite them here.
A lot has happened since I was freaking out about not studying for APES.
A whole year has pretty much zoomed by leaving me wanting more but at the same time leaving me fulfilled.
It was a crazy year that began with a wonderful summer in India with the family.
A family I have grown so close to, that all I need to do is shoot an email on a thread to get a response from the people I haven't seen now in a year.
Life's changed a lot for me.
I can't fathom all that has happened in that one year.
A lot of things have made me grow and blossom into this wonderful, chic, confident woman ready to take on the world.
And then one thing made me question all that.
A broken heart once again. And maybe this time I'll let the pieces heal.
Whatever that means.
And of course I've been thinking about who I am and where I am and where I should be headed.
But it's kind of difficult to figure out where I'm supposed to go when I don't know where I am.
The feeling of being lost hasn't left me; in fact, I think it's consumed me even more.
I'm trying to find an answer so I can move forward but I just keep learning new things making me ask only more questions.

Maybe someday it'll be clear.
As for now, I think I'm just going to let time do its thing.

x