why me?

so we just had exams an I didn't do as well as I know I should have. And now not only do I know I'm letting down my parents but also myself. Sometimes I just wonder why I even bother. I hate comparing myself to others but how can I help it when I'm surrounded by friends who are frikking geniuses who do incredibly well and get better grades than I do and are gonna have higher ranks than I will. I mean I used to be one of those people and now I'm seriously wondering where on earth I've screwed up . Actually it's very easy for me to pin point exactly what I did or rather didn't do and most of it is my fault. It's because I procrastinate, don't do my homework and now I'm seriously considering locking my self up in my room and studying for hours on end even when I don't have a test because this year has been a shock. I just can't believe that in all my AP classes well the ones I have grades for I've gotten Cs. I am not a C person. Hell I'm not a B person and somehow it seems that I have started to accept getting Bs. Again this goes back to my stupidity of being a procrastinator. And now I see how my mother is right. People lie. They say they don't study but go behind your back and do it. Well technically it's to their advantage I used to like being able not to put in effort before tests and come out successfully. On top of that I have tough classes and others who don't do as superbly as my other friends say well you're taking 5 APs and getting Cs is like getting an A and it's pretty good. and I can't believe that I actually started believing that. I want my hair to be curly for tomorrow but I don't think it will work. Sometimes I wish I wasn't who I am then I wouldn't care about grades and feel like a total failure and then go and be all depressed and endlessly compare myself to others and then not pay attention to my current work. And I was so productive today I felt so proud of myself but then I see my grades and I just feel like collapsing on my knees and screaming asking why me. Why is it me who has to settle for Bs while others do spectacularly? What happened to that old me who used to be a genius and be at the top of the class and be admired by everyone else? Why am I not considered the "smartest" in my network when friends compare me? Why is it that I'm still not working hard enough to get the grades I want? Since when have I just done mediocre work and been satisfied with that? I'm still a junior I should be doing this all senior year. Then when I try to look up to people whom I consider my heros she is distant and truly selfish. She doesn't care about anyone but herself. And I realise that I should be just like her. That my father is right. In this country you have to fend for yourself. Right now my priorities are getting into college with a decent scholarship and be successful.

but for now I'm a failure. Nothing more and always something less.
F A I L U R E

and then I cry alone wondering why...when I clearly know why but I don't understand how with this same reason others are still able to do better than me. I still don't understand where and how I was screwed up. I still don't understand why I can't be as smart as mandy or shayna or sarah or mitali or xioyang or chris dennis or lily or ............

they're born smart. I have to work hard constantly for me to get the grades I get and I'm always proud. Not saying they don't work hard. But they're just gifted so whatever effort they put in they still do extremely well. And because they are so smart they know how to put minimal but sufficient effort to maximize their performance and come out W I N N E R S. I know I might have life easier than some academically but imagine those people...they have life easier than I have and this is why I A M A F A I L U R E.

music: Polly, Nirvana