Anthem: "Gotta get through this"

13042010

Oxford’s English Dictionary defines betrayal:

2. A violation of trust or confidence, an abandonment of something committed to one's charge.

This year has been filled with plenty of moments where I have questioned my judgment in reading people. The world is not what it seems and it is sad that is the case. Once, when we were children, newborns, we had no choice but to take the world for what it was, how it appeared. I stay with this notion. It’s my naiveté that has caused me to suffer. I might sound dramatic, I might be overreacting. But I’ve been hurt and I could say that with the simplest words. But I am not allowed to lash out so I might as well overplay this to give myself some way to cope.

I have been betrayed by friends.

The last people I would expect.

This world is based on relativity: of feelings, of alliances, of perspectives. So in one’s eyes what might be right is extreme in the other’s.

It’s how the world functions; it’s how the people of this world function.

I may overdramatize what happened, and she may over-overdramatize what happened and people will believe her more and side with her because she’s the victim, because she’s managed to manipulate them to think that way.

It hurts to know that people you expect to back you up, to your face and behind your back, don’t follow through because they’re only thinking about themselves. This is what the world comes down to: how selfish you are.

The people I’ve met in college only show me, over and over again, that relationships are superficial. You’re the drinking buddy, the dance buddy, the hookup guy, the girl who befriended me. You’re never more than that. You’re never yourself because all these people have realized the importance of hiding their true selves. They are that intelligent or that afraid. They know how much pain it can cause them to open up.
Then what is wrong with me? Why can’t I , after seeing this and experiencing this, understand? Why don’t I change? Maybe I have and just can’t tell. Or maybe I never will because that is who I am.

I feel disappointed, at the verge of tears, confused, sad, angry, pathetic for trusting in people so much. I feel betrayed.

I feel betrayed by the people I trusted.

Those friends may not be taking sides, but nor are they supporting me.
This will eat me up. I know it will because I’m not strong enough to brush it off despite the countless people who have advised me to do so. I can’t be friends with these people. I need to cut them out of my life because they haven’t shown me they really care. They have shown that they’re doing what society requires them to do, they have been selfish and they have only thought of how the situation will affect them. And they have evaluated it to see how they can avoid pain/uneasiness rather than listen to me.

Everyone wants to move on from this and so they urge me to do the same. They could really mean it and say it so that I don’t obsess over this. But it seems every day I learn something new that genuinely surprises me, making me feel foolish. It's easy for them to move on. It's easy for her to move on. If it weren't for me these friends of hers wouldn't be hers. I made that happen. And I know she will and others would protest against this. They've made their decision and now I need to make mine.

Let them take her side. Let them call her the big one.

Nice guys always finish last.

It’s just another thing I need to accept.